My ADHD Journey

Since childhood I always felt I was different; I was not as good as anyone else, constantly on edge and feeling ashamed of who I was, all the while putting a smile on my face and acting happy and often silly.

I had no idea until my diagnosis in 2024 at the age of 53 that my lifetime of daily struggles and self-loathing were all due to undiagnosed and misdiagnosed (anxiety, depression) ADHD. I spent my entire life thinking that everyone's brains were the same as mine, yet they just glided through life in spite of:

• Constant noise/chaos in their head
  
  

• A 24/7 narrator
  
  

• Seemingly incapable of understanding simple instructions
  
  

• Replaying scenarios over for days, weeks, months, or even years
  
  

• No motivation to do anything unless it was fun or exciting
  
  

• Highly sensitive to everyone else's emotions
  
  

• Unable to manage time, plan or organise
  
  

• Constant barrage of thoughts
  
  

• Constant negative self-talk and horrendous RSD (rejection sensitivity dysphoria)
  
  

These are just some of what I believed everyone had going on within themselves as well as outwardly getting on with 'normal' life. Yet I was the only one struggling to cope with it all.

For as long as I can remember, I felt such shame and self-hatred for being such a failure, constantly asking myself things like, "Why can't you be normal?" "Why can't you be like everyone else?"

I had no idea who I really was, who the real me was, or what I actually liked, because I just mimicked whoever I was with or whoever I looked up to. A social chameleon, forever changing how I looked and how I spoke just to feel accepted and liked, in the hope they would not see the useless failure I really was.

I am in no way saying my whole life was awful; in fact, I have had some incredible times and years of happy memories, yet all are tainted due to how much I really hated myself and punished myself for never being good enough.

I now realise that in an attempt to manage/numb my ADHD symptoms, I used alcohol and drugs (mostly prescription medication given by my GP since the 1980s – highly addictive). All because I couldn't cope with all the chaos in my head.

I realised by my teens that people seemed to like 'drunk Jasmine', as she was hilarious, confident, loud and fun (I was clearly masking). It never once crossed my mind I might have ADHD (only boys had that!!).

So, why did I ask the GP to refer me for ADHD assessment? Well, my incredibly supportive, understanding partner kept making comments like 'Oops, that'll be your ADHD.' I told him I did not have that condition and was bored of the joke now. He informed me he was not joking.

I became upset and offended and told close friends – it turned out everyone that knew me always thought I must have been diagnosed as a child, as it was obvious to all of them. I was gobsmacked.

However, I started researching; in fact, I 'hyper-focused', and all the facts started to click. So, my GP referred me to the assessment waitlist, then I got a diagnosis (ADHD combined type).

I felt a rollercoaster of emotions, a huge relief; my whole life finally made sense, and also anger and then grief at the little girl I was and the little girl I could have been.

I then decided I needed to learn all I could to help me manage my symptoms, and the best way was to take a course in ADHD coaching. The plan was to coach myself, but the more I learnt and the more my life improved, and the fact I was, for the first time in my life, genuinely happy, I just wanted to help as many other adults like me feel as good about themselves as I do.

I found my spark out of the ADHD dark, and I want to help as many people as I can to find theirs so they can embrace who they are and realise just how wonderful life with ADHD can be.